How to stop avoiding in your dating life?

In this blog post we’ll discuss the pain of avoiding the challenges we really want to overcome in our dating lives, with also a little bit of a sprinkle of it in our married lives.

Then we’ll get clear on how avoiding is a natural part of why people go to therapy, as they want to work through the change to stop avoiding, and go through that wall of change, to talk to that girl.

Today we’ll discuss how to stop avoiding, so you can start enjoying your dating life.

The inspiration for this article is from something we all go through or a lot of us do, avoiding.

If you are reading this article, there is a good chance there is something in your life you want to fix, or do better. 

As a therapist, that’s my job to get to what you want to fix, do better and create a plan to do so. 

It just so happens in this business of mine as a therapist, my real love and passion is in the world of dating and relationships. 

Avoidance is real, and it manifests itself in so many ways. In order to really conquer something, we can’t avoid it, we gotta go through it. 

Usually the pain (and sometimes even the physical pain), is because of avoidance usually accompanied by an unpleasant emotion.  

First the real life example:

Last night I went out to the shore, on the way home the physical pain I experienced was feeling like my head and face was the size of two heads. 

Why? Because I was exhausted. I was exhausted because while I stayed there for two hours, I really should have only stayed for one, and had a long drive home. 

I avoided being conscious of the boundary I really wanted to set for myself, but what I did not avoid was after when I felt that physical pain after. 

Why, because I didn’t want to go oh god I went out last night. I'm tired, I wanted to know why exactly I was tired, so I can go out again, enjoy myself and not feel exhausted. 

Now when I go out I have to be the wing-man, or more like the conversation starter, in yesterday’s case approach a guy my cousin thought was hot, and comment on his sneakers, to be fair they were really nice…and now I know Mark Whalberg had his own clothing line. 

To keep it real, I still have things I avoid, like going on the scale, or not doing everything I can for this business. 

When I was single and dating, I definitely was not perfect at approaching girls, not even close. I’m no Corey Wayne, and I’m no Mystery, and I’m no Todd V. 

I’m a dude, who sometimes did it, with Hey you’re cute what’s your name, and sometimes to be honest I didn’t, I failed in a moment. I’m just lucky enough to have a platform to write about it, and help others do what I did, and also do what I did not.

Sometimes I did it, by saying “Hey is that a Malibu bay breeze,” and sometimes I avoided it by just walking by, and not saying hello. 

If you are single and dating, don’t avoid it.

I promise you the high, or the dopamine hit when you go out with your friends is not to drink or get drunk (although I am not here to say don’t do that). 

Have your fun, but then go out and do it. You’re cute, what's your name is just something that rolls off my tongue, but this is for you, so w hat I’d love to know is what would roll of your tongue.

The goal isn’t perfection here, nope not even the least bit, if it were, I’d refer you to someone else, the goal here is the first step, action, step one and check in with yourself, feedback if you will…

If you were approaching  a girl, what rolls off your tongue?

Is it, “Damn, You’re hot.”

Is it, “You look familiar”

Is it, “You’re kind of cute, what’s your name?”

Guy’s I promise you if you are experiencing pain when something is on your mind, you are avoiding it. 

Maybe you’re not avoiding it, but you are avoiding something about it…

Maybe it’s the cold hard facts about it, maybe it’s making a plan, or maybe it is just sitting in it, and being present with it…

My job as a therapist is really to figure out what you are avoiding, find a way to cope, and deal with it by going through it, even if it’s just a little bit at a time. 

One of the things Corey taught me was a date is day, time and place, you know what, as a therapist, so is working through what you are avoiding, or working through.

You gotta pick a day and time place, to execute a plan, work through it, not perfection, just step one, then when you’re done pick the next day, time, and place to do step two, then when you’re done with that step three…

Pick another day, time, and place for that, and soon, it’ll be in the very least something urgent, you work through everyday and make progress on, and then eventually, even more powerful, a habit or a ritual.

For example, I make it a point since it is a part of my discipline to blog every morning, but since I knew I had a cancellation I knew this blog was going to be published between 530 and 615. 

If you are married, and experiencing pain in your marriage, you are avoiding making it right, and little actions you can do every day to slowly give yourself a better marriage, like walking in that door with a huge smile and saying, “Hey babe, How was your day.”

If you are going out and make it a point to say from 8 to 9, or 9 to 10, I am just going to stand there, drink in my hand (no pun intended for Eric Church fans), and just smile. 

It truly is one, the little things that count, and two taking the time and doing the little things that add up.

After an hour of standing in one spot, and smiling, you might feel good to call it a day or go home, or you know what, that wasn’t so bad, I can do a little more for the next fifteen minutes, let me go say Hi, What’s your name to just one girl.

Yes, just smile, why, because you are enjoying yourself. I’m also a therapist, and being a therapist means also giving you suggestions and action items that you are comfortable with, while working through it. 

Being a therapist doesn’t mean me saying go to every girl and say Hi, you’re cute what’s your name. 

Screw that, being a therapist means working with you, getting to know you, you’re strengths, your weaknesses, what you’ve worked to overcome, and what you want to work to overcome.

For example, some people, are super ballsy, and can probably say, “Hi You’re cute,”like it is ordering a order of curly fries. I have a friend who is awesome and I love who is super ballsy like that.

For him his area of is weakness then is when it becomes about dating girls, especially the one’s he likes, but to be fair, who doesn’t have weaknesses when you are dating a girl you like, or are really into.

 Then decide, O.k that wasn’t bad, do I want to do one more, or go home.

If you’d like click on the services tab above to see how my services might help you, whether you are single and dating, married or in a relationship, or a couple who wants to work with me together.

If you’d like click on my home page to read more about what me as a therapist and how I formed this business with my passion for in the world of dating and relationships.

If you’re curious, check out the My Story page, and read my own little story as too why I started this business.  

If you feel like you are avoiding something, or know what it is and want to figure it out, click here to send me an email and we can book a free consultation/ intake. 

And if you want to ask me a question I can discuss in a future blog, click here.