Chapter One: Be Yourself

Guys, if you get one thing from this chapter, I want you to get this: the key to enjoying your dating life, and being successful in it is being yourself. 

Now, before we get into exactly how I discovered this, let’s get to my background. I was newly single and had just broken up with my ex - and ready to date. Before I knew it, the first date was all set, but here’s the bottom line: I had no idea what to expect or what to do on my first date, let alone my first date in eight years. I hadn’t picked up a self-help book on dating or watched YouTube Videos. And why would I? To this point in my life, I hadn’t felt the pain that would later drive me to this whole world of self-help and personal growth. The only thing I knew about dating was how to be myself. 

As we progress through this book, I’ll show you all of the actions to take, and how to best embody them in a way where you are being your true self. But - whether you are first starting out in dating, or dating for a while, sometimes the only thing you have is being able to be yourself. So, how exactly did I  come to realize this? 

Well, here I was on my first date. We met for sushi a few blocks from my house, and then walked a block over for dessert. Before I knew it, without even kissing her, she was back at my place. Not bad for my first-first date in eight years. So, how’d I do it?

Well, I was myself, but how exactly was I myself? Simple, I spoke about the things I love, the values I have, and my experiences. In this case, it was my love for fruity cocktails, football and a certain Canadian Rock Band (you guys know which one, the one that is cool to hate, but everyone knows is good). When I wasn’t talking about football, music, and drinks, I was talking about my recent break up and health scare, both very lovely topics for a first date (just so were clear, they’re not).

Now, let’s be honest: the former (the drinks, football, music) are all par for the course on a first date or any date - the health scare, and the break-up not so much. So how did I get away with it, and even have success with it? How did I convey and raise attraction by talking about corny topics, talking more than I should and about health scares, and break-ups? Well, I was myself. But, more importantly, how did I embody that? Simple, it was the way I said it.

While these things are what I was talking about, it was how I was talking about them that created attraction. You see, the way I spoke about these things were all kind of as if they’re a part of me; and the truth is, they are. I love football, I love fruity cocktails, and I love that Canadian Rock Band (to the point where those drinks and band jokes are just that - corny, but endearing jokes). It was not so much what I said, but how I said it (the passion that made it attractive. 

Yes, I said and talked about all these things and much more, over the course of that date, but it was how I said it that she could tell I was being myself. I wasn’t worried about where to go next, or when to kiss her (I wound up not even kissing her, because I was myself, which meant I had no clue what to do when she did come back). All that stuff comes later, but you can’t get to the next place, your place, or the next date, if you aren’t being yourself.

Now that we established I was myself with the things I said, and how I said them (passion, enthusiasm): how did she feel? If I had to guess: probably pretty safe and comfortable. How do I know this? Because she felt safe enough to come back to my place. Why did she feel so safe enough to come back? Because I was being myself, with what I said and how I said it.

If I had just been making small talk and worried about where to go next and when to kiss her, then I couldn’t have been myself and likely this date would not have gone that well. If you aren’t being yourself, how can you expect the girl to feel safe around you or even attracted? You can’t. She’ll have no reason to trust you and that you’ll keep her safe, especially on a first date.

Here’s the other thing - not only did she feel safe, she felt attracted. Was she attracted to my 300 plus pound body? No! Was she attracted to my stupid maroon-red t-shirt? Definitely not. But was she attracted to what I said (my values, my experiences), and how I said them? Yes! She was attracted to my confidence. I had the confidence to be myself. All I did to put that confidence out there was talk about what I knew, and what I loved.

So how do you be yourself on your first date, your second date or on any date? How do you be yourself in such a way that you feel successful and confident? It boils down to two things: listening and communicating.

When you listen, you show your interest in her - not your interest in getting laid, or thinking about the next move/place. That’s not listening; that’s planning and wondering what to do next and where to go next - that’s not listening. I can’t help you to be a good listener (at least not in this chapter). But you can be genuinely interested in who she is; what she is saying, and you don’t need me for that; you already want to do that.

The second part is communicating: the part you’ve been reading about this whole chapter. It’s communicating that you love, and who you are (your experiences, your values). Is it any wonder why you’ll come off more confident when you are speaking about the things you love? Of course, it’s no wonder. How can you not be confident, when you are speaking your truth?

Just make sure your truth isn’t negative, like my ex-wife sucks, or this ex-sucks; nobody wants to hear that crap, especially a girl on a first date. Nobody wants to hear your boss sucks either, or you hate your job. She wants to have fun, not be your therapist, or be your friend. Besides, she can’t see what you love, and who you are if you are talking about all the things you don’t love..

Now, even though this is a book about dating, this is also a book about self-help and personal-growth; your personal growth in dating is to be exact. More importantly, I’m hoping you can use all of these principles, and experiences as a guide for growth wherever you want it. You can use the principles of realizing you’re not happy, owning it, and being yourself, just to name a few you’ll be reading about. If you really want the best out of life, whether it is in your dating life, your relationship, your business, or anything, you have to be yourself

Dating Rule Number One: Be Yourself