Relationship? How to deal with your girl bringing up the past?

You’re not perfect, so you may have messed up, now what?

Guys let’s face it, nobody is perfect, I know I’m definitely not. One of the core things I continue to preach in this service is just to do more things right than wrong, more good behaviors, than behaviors, whether it comes to your health, personal finance, work and career, or your dating and relationship life.

What happens when you had a bad moment in the past with your girl, or a bad time period? Maybe you cheated, maybe you were doing drugs or drinking, or just not being you’re best for a long time.

You’re girl is just not going to forget about that time, and say OK, you’re changed. They are going to really want to see that you did change and those feelings your girl had with that bad time or bad thing you did, are just not going to dissipate. 

The truth is it’s totally awesome that you know you want to do better, understand you’re girl is still frustrated and/or upset about the past.

Here’s the good news she’s still there, she’s still in the game, on your couch, and with you. She just feels like the past is bothering her. 

She feels hurt in that moment, she’s expressing only that

Part one of accepting it is just that, accepting it. It’s accepting that no matter what I realize the way she feels, and the things she says, are because of the things I did in my past toward her, whether it was cheating, drinking, gambling, or just being angry or not at your best for a long time. 

Look, the reality is if you cheated and your girl still chooses you that's not a bad thing, it means she still loves you.

But it does mean just because she still chooses you, doesn’t mean she is just going to stop bringing it up. She’s bringing it up because she is still hurt, and it’s up to you in that moment to let her empty out her gas tank of the emotions and the intensity and feelings behind those emotions. 

When she does bring it up, she still feels hurt, upset, disappointed, and really at times very hurt and disappointed, doubting herself, and doubting if she could trust you, and if she is doing the right thing, she FEELS this way, therefore says these things.

Let her empty out the gas tank, her gas tank.

Those emotions and feelings are built up inside of her, and it’s up to you to give her that time and attention to let her empty out those emotions and feelings, or as I like to say empty out the gas tank. 

The reality is she is going to keep bringing it up, until emotionally, instead of it taking up her whole gas tank, it only takes up a quarter, or an eight, or maybe is just there a little bit and once in a while it will flare up. 

Accept it, you did the crime, you gotta do the time, or at least some of the sentence.

Look guys, if you did the crime you gotta do the time, if you cheated, if you acted angry, were not at your best for a long time, had an addicting or just bad behavior that lasted for months or even years, you’re girl is hurt and you have to be accept that.

You have to accept this is it, this is a result of me and my actions. At the same time, I love my wife or girlfriend, I do accept it, and for now, I still love her and I’m going to give her that time and attention to let it out. 

It will get better.

Look the reality is six months from now, a year from now, even if you are doing everything right, and continue to give her that time and space to just listen to her, it might not be okay with you…

That’s a different discussion, but for now you’re reading this blog post, which means you probably aren’t there yet, you love your wife or your girl, you just wish she’d stop bringing up that bad thing from the past.

How to help her let it out.

Guys, letting your girl let it out means taking accountability. Really it just means one statement, literally one sentence to reflect who you were in the past.

For example, “I was an asshole , I know I was” or “I know, I was angry back then,” or “I know I lied, I shouldn’t have ” Pick one of these, you’re just acknowledging you recognize you weren’t your best and you had some bad behavior. 

Basically you;re just say I know (Insert blank about yourself), keep it simple, one, two sentences the most, you’re acknowledging the accountability about yourself.

She feels hurt you lied or you were an asshole, you’re just acknowledging it, not browbeating yourself over it,

Then, next, let her let it out, “I know you’re upset, I get it I lied,” or, “I get it I was an asshole, I know your hurt, and upset,” You’re reflecting you know what she is feeling, (the emotion) Not… HOW she is feeling, the truth is only she knows HOW she is feeling (the exact emotion, the intensity of it, and all of her fears, doubts and worries behind it).

Finally, invite her to keep letting it out, “What else, tell me more, tell me everything, I know it’s still on your mind.”

Guys this is not meant to be copied word for word these statements or verbatim, these are just the things that roll of my tongue if I had to do this. I’m guilty of it too, I’ve had to apologize to my girl for being an asshole, “Hey I was an asshole, I shouldn’t have done that,”  

Let her empty it out, She’s still hurt, and that’s okay.

The truth is by her letting emptying out her gas tank, eventually it will run out in that moment, she’ll feel better. It is is totally not a time to fight and argue with her and say…

“You bring this up all the time,” or I told you I’m sorry already, it’s not fair you keep bringing it up.” Guys save that for your guy friends or therapist (like me lol).

The fact is she’s still hurt, not enough time has passed, and not enough of the good behavior has happened where she barely brings it up, or brings it up and is quickly over it.

Over the course of time, a month,, three months, and definitely six months, she is definitely not going to bring it up nearly as much and definitely when she does not have that same emotion behind it.

Patience: Time will make it better.

Why? Because you let her let it out over the course of time, take that one to two sentences of accountability, tell her you know she is upset (or know she is that emotion) and invite her to keep letting it out.

You do need to have that infinite patience for two things. The first is in that moment she is upset. That means just listening in that moment, and waiting for her to empty the gas tank and letting pass, be willing to out wait her.

Be able to sit in that pocket and handle the blitz, again, and again. I can safely say after ten or even 20 minutes she is going to walk away in a good way and just feel better. 

The second thing you need infinite patience for is to be o.k, knowing that this might not be the last time she brings it up and probably won’t.

Even if she is bringing it up in a good moment between you guys, or not during an argument, it’s still being brought up because it still bothers her, and because it is still bothering her,

She FEELS the need to talk about it, let her talk about it, don’t close that gas tank.

Reflect it, I was an asshole, I know I messed up.

Simply, give her the space to let it out again, reflect that you were an asshole, you shouldn’t have done that, you know how she feels, and tell her you want to tell you more.

In this moment, it likely won’t last that long how long she wants to let it out, but she does want to. 

Have the patience for three months, six months, for her to really let it all out. I promise you if you give her the time and attention to let it out when she needs to, it will be less and less in duration, and less and less in frequency. 

You can make it better, listen, do the good things!

Guys, if you messed up and you know you did, you gotta do the time. But you know what also gives you less of a sentence, good behavior!

Take her out once a week, wine her and dine her, court her. Come home with a smile, greet her, give her a kiss, let her tell you all about her day.

Pitch in and be attentive to everything she is doing, dinner, kids, cleaning up, trash, everything, be truly present, and I promise you she is going to feel better, and associate this good feeling with you more than that bad feeling she thinks about from the past.

So guys, if you’ve done messed up, have the patience to do the time. Have the patience in that moment to let her let it all out, empty the gas tank. Keep you’re statement simple, “I know I was an asshole (or insert I know whatever). 

Tell her know what she feels, not HOW she feels.

Tell her you know she feels upset (or insert the emotion). Guys don’t tell her you know HOW she feels, the only person that truly know HOW she feels is her. You know she feels the emotion, not HOW she feels, that only she knows.

Then have the time and patience to be o.k, with it’s not going to be the last time she brings it up.

Doing those awesome, simple and little things as a husband, or boyfriend means eventually she will bring it up less, and when she does that emotion or intensity the emotion will be less, that means less time and intensity.

Remember she’s not bringing it up out of spite or hatred, if she wanted to do that, she wouldn’t still be with you, she is bringing it up because she’s still hurt by it, and feels that hurt right now in that moment, or pain. 

Questions or Comments:

Come on guys, be o.k. with letting her let it out, and if you really aren’t come talk to me so we can figure it out, figure out what you really want. 

Guys if you want to submit a question to me to answer you can send an email to Datingandrelationship.Services@gmail.com