How to Overcome Urges in Dating, Relationships, and Personal Growth?

What is an Urge? Well as a therapist an urge is simply something you know you don’t want to do, you know you shouldn’t, you know it’s going to take away from your goal, your desired behavior, or what you really want. 

Let’s use a quick recent example that was an inspiration for this blog today. In my attempt to do Dry January, I was watching “FOOOOSEBALL” with my friends yesterday, and of course had the urge to have a Truly or White Claw, but guess what I didn’t. 

My friends did, so instead I just had a couple of Peroni 0’s, pizza, coffee, and some water. More importantly I chose my behavior, not drinking, over an urge. When that refrigerator opened, did I feel a physical sensation come over me that wanted that hard seltzer? Absolutely?. 

More importantly, I had a plan (my Peroni 0’s), and knew ahead of time the urge that would come and recognized what the urge felt like (that physical, rising chest sensation) How did I overcome it? Simply by recognizing it, feeling it, and just leaning into that plan and behavior (not drinking, and having a Peroni 0. 

Have A Plan:

Having a Plan is definitely one way to help overcome an urge, in this case my plan was to substitute the drinking with N.A. Beer. So when that urge came I just picked up that beer.

If you are frustrated in your dating life, a relationship, or even marriage, chances are you've had urges you have to work through or want to work through. 

Remember, an urge is simply just that: an urge, a feeling, an emotion, a temptation, a moment of weakness and contemplation, it is NOT a behavior!

Let’s take a look at how they play out in our dating and relationship lives.

If you’re single and dating and see that cute girl you want to talk to and don’t talk to her, then chances are you had an urge that came over you and ultimately the behavior of not talking won out. 

But what’s the skill, the skill is talking to her. The skill is saying, You’re cute what’s your name? 

Chances are that physical feeling came over you. That  feeling that weakens our body language, tenses us up, and even just keeps us paralyzed with inaction. Look I get it, I’ve been there, done that and won the trophy. 

But what’s more important? That urge you feel, or walking over with confidence, and saying you’re cute what’s your name (which I like to call the behavior). Do what’s more important! I’m pretty sure that is a good rule of thumb to follow in life. 

Having a Plan helps overcome the urge, knowing when you might feel the urge (when you are out at a bar), knowing what it might feel like (something physical over your body). Ask yourself, what’s more important: your plan and your behavior, or your urges?

Dating A Girl You Really Like or In A Relationship?

What about those guys who are dating or even in a relationship with someone they really like. When I started dating my true ten, I had to overcome a ton of urges, that urge to call or text when I knew it wasn’t necessary and was only due to me acting on an emotion.

If you're in a relationship with someone you really like, or love you have urges to call when you don’t need to or text when you don’t have to, and probably more than you should. You have an urge to act on your emotions, Don’t! That’s the behavior, not acting on your emotions.

Because if you are acting on emotions, that girl you are dating, or you really like will totally feel it, recognize it, and will come off as unattractive.

What drives that urge is neediness, jealousy, and insecurity. What causes those feelings of inadequacy, and even that physical pain, it’s a rooted deep down fear we all have, that we aren’t enough. 

I’m No Different: Urges Help Us Grow!

The truth is I’m no different, I just went through it. I had those same urges, emotional pain, and moments when dating my true ten, and I’m lucky. 

I’m lucky I got clear on what I wanted, had a plan, and chose that behavior over and over again and I’m lucky she’ll be reading this soon. 

Now I just choose to write about it, and pay my experience forward, as a therapist and just regular guy. Personally for me, those urges still come, I put myself out there on Instagram, these blog posts, and not having almond milk in my coffee, because drinking black is just a better decision.

At the end of the day, don’t let doubt create urges, and then act on them. Have a plan, and choose the behavior, whether you are single and dating, in a relationship or married.

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Guy’s thanks for reading.