Why Your Girlfriend Wants to Spend Less Time with You

As a therapist I work with men who ask me questions like “Why does my girlfriend hangout with these friends?” Why does my girlfriend not want to go away on vacation with me?” “What am I doing wrong?”

These questions are an inner dialogue, because of how you feel about your relationship, and really how you feel about yourself. The truth is, it’s a direct reflection of how you are showing up in your relationship, after all you are the one reading this post.

If you are wondering what makes it so hard to be nice, sweet, and kind while allowing your girlfriend the freedom to come and go, the answer is within you. She needs time, freedom and space.

Why is it so hard and to give our girlfriends the freedom they need to be loved? Sometimes it takes us months, or even years to truly change that behavior. There’s something about our relationship that makes it so hard to. 

As a therapist, and a guy who dates his own awesome girl, I get it. It can feel like your wife going on vacation, a girl’s trip or even a night out with her friends can feel like a personal rejection to you.

Aren’t there way worse things to think about and feel than your girlfriend going out or away with her friends? Isn’t gaining a few pounds worse? Or missing the gym for a few days worse? Isn’t it worse to fall behind with school, work, or your career?

The truth is we know those things probably are worse. We know this. But what FEELS worse, is when our wife or girlfriend chooses to spend time with others. When they choose them over us, it definitely can FEEL worse.

Why is it so hard to overcome this feeling?

Let’s just keep it real. First you are in a relationship with a girl you freaking love.

Spending time with your girl is like a drug, you can’t get enough of her. I get it. Some things are normal like you go to work; she goes to work. That’s expected so no problem.

Once in a while on a weekend, she goes out with her friends. Ok no problem, you check your phone waiting for her to call or text, she of course does, so everything is okay. You feel better, she didn’t forget about you, she loves you.

Then that occasional night out turns into a weekend with her girls, so of course that feeling sharpens. That feeling of waiting for her to call or text you gets more intense. Maybe it’s because she’s busier and she can’t.

Or maybe it’s because she is just having a lot of fun with her friends. But that silence sucks, it hurts, and you don’t like it. You feel hurt, even angry, and don’t want that feeling anymore.

You do what you have to get through that weekend, and everything is fine, but the reality is that time apart sucks, that distance sucks, because it makes you feel pain. You want to avoid this pain.

So how do you avoid this pain? By telling her you want to go away with her. You wanting to spend all the time you can with her. You want to avoid the pain of her not spending time with you, whether it is a few hours, a few days, or a vacation.

But if you act this way, you will smother her. Not only is that the opposite of love and confidence, but it will also drive her out of your life.

Thich Nhat Hanh once said, “You must love in such a way that person you love feels free.”

You might seek validation from your friends and find yourself saying

• Why does she like to hang out with her friends so much?

• These friends aren’t even good friends.

• Why would she choose to hang out with her friends and not me?

Venting to your friends might feel good in the moment, it might even feel validating, but are you really happier? Probably only momentarily. The reality is you are not happier.

She will go away again, she will hang out with her friends, and you still will feel that same insecurity, need and pain.

If you are feeling any of the frustrations above, love your girl and want an awesome relationship with her, you need to change your behavior.

Hopefully, you are reading this and saying I do want to change, not just for your relationship but also for your personal growth.

I’m going to be honest, change is hard 

It’s hard to say to your girl, “Have fun babe,” when she goes out with her friends for the night or away for the weekend.

It’s even harder to do it with a smile, and say, “Baby, have a great time.”

It’s even harder to really mean it and embody it.

It’s hard to have her out for the night or away for the weekend, and be secure in yourself to know she loves, misses you, and will back in your loving arms sooner than later.

It’s hard to not check your phone constantly, waiting for her phone call or text.

No matter how hard this may be, you have to change your behavior, so you can change your relationship.

Because if you don’t change, guess where she’ll be next weekend? With her friends. Then eventually, she’ll be spending less time with you, until she isn’t anymore. Guys, that seems way more painful than just saying, “Have fun babe,” when she is with her friends.

Here’s the good news.

Once you are reading a blog like this, you know you have to change. You are searching for answers, because you want to change.

Once you start to make that change, all you have to do is keep it up.

Here’s the tricky part, making that change is easy, but ingraining into who you are as a person is hard, but you can do it.

Eventually, it just becomes a part of you, just like working out, just like going to work and school, and your career. It becomes a natural part of who you are; the hard part getting you there.

Will it take time to change this behavior? Of course it will. Because your behavior did not develop overnight, nor was it a one-time event. It’s been happening for weeks, months and years in your relationship. So, it’s going to take that time to change it. But here’s the good news- you can do it.

If I can do it, you can do it. If you can find this article and want to change, then you can work with me to change.

I work with you to not just make that change, but to keep that change in your life. So, you can just enjoy your relationship, experience love, and become the best version of you.

Guys, I want you to read this, work through this challenge, and move to enjoy your life not worry about your relationship.

I want you to be the best version of yourself for you and your relationship. Because it’s your life and your relationship.

I was once where you are now.

I’m no different than you, I love my girlfriend and these emotions can suck, which is why I write blog posts like this and work with men who want to overcome this challenge.

This is a blog post for men in a relationship who love their girlfriend, want to change and be better for themselves and for their relationship.

They also want to grow, achieve and enjoy life.

If this post hits home, you are welcome to contact me to see if working together is a good fit for us both. You can click here.